In a meeting today I was blindsided by the way the world actually is, or at least the world of some people I know.
I was discussing how difficult it is to get good, quality photographs of people for websites and newsletters. I said that the pictures are often fuzzy, low-quality, all black...
The woman across the table from me asks if I have a problem with pictures of black people.
Um, have we met?
I was so hurt and insulted. Was she trying to "show me my place"? Was she trying to find problems with me when there are very very few? She attacked my values by insinuating that I am a racist, she attacked my morals, she attacked who I am.
I expect sexism, I expect racism from Asian people (God, hasn't that happened), but really, in this meeting at the office, I didn't expect to be branded a racist. Everybody said oh it's just a misunderstanding; I said they must not know me if they think I am like that, they do not know me at all.
She made me see her as a black person first, a black person who is looking for me to be prejudiced against her when it doesn't matter to me if she has six eyes and antennae. I have never really cared what color anyone is; my only qualification for respect is that you be a good person and you be good at what you do. Now I have to factor in this harassment, this eggshell-walking double-entendre implication in everything I say. As a designer I think in images, colors, clarity, focus, quality. I don't think, Oh, here's a black person, or Oh, here's a white person.
From now on I will refer to the color black as #000000 or R:000 G:000 B:000 just to prevent a misunderstanding. Because now that I've been branded this way, who gives a shit if they understand me?
I feel so disillusioned. I feel what she has been fighting against her whole life. I'm trying to understand her point of view, but at some point, someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to be bigger and better than that, and today it didn't happen.
What's an effective synonym for black that has no racial implications? I can't think of one right now, and so ripped up inside because I know that no matter what I say, now that the implication is there, it is impossible to remove. They'll always think of me as the girl that might be racist. I might have to blow this popsicle stand because I'm not here to be misunderstood and labeled and harassed. I'm still so hurt.
Me? of all people?
Labels: rant
-posted @ 6:51 PM | you talkin' to me? 0 | go back to the top
